Stacy: We have to talk.
Dr.House: Oh, God, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school!
Dr.House: Bros before hos, man.
Dr.House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr.Cameron: No, McDonald.
Dr.House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens.
Dr.House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
Dr.Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr.House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr.Wilson: To... get laid.
Dr.Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr.House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr.House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr.Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr.House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr.House: That is true, isn't it?
Dr.House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
Dr.House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr.House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr.Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr.Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Dr.Wilson: [about Cameron] So she's really coming back?
Aubrey Shifren: Who's coming back?
Dr.House: You don't know her.
Dr.Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
Dr.House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.
Aubrey Shifren: You lower her hours?
Dr.House: You don't even know her!
Dr.Wilson: Who is this guy?
Dr.House: He's a patient.
Aubrey Shifren: He's examining me.
Dr.House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too.
Dr.Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you.
[House gets a strange look on his face]
Dr.Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Aubrey Shifren: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
Dr.House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
Dr.House: I've agreed to take her on one date.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Aubrey Shifren: So, you into this girl?
Dr.House: No! She's not giving me any choice.
Aubrey Shifren: Wait... she's making you do her?
Dr.House: Date her.
Dr.Wilson: Young ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
Aubrey Shifren: [puts his arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay.
Dr.House: For God's sake.
[grabs TV and as he's walking out the door]
Dr.Wilson, Aubrey Shifren: - sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Dr.House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.
Stacy Warner: That's how you tell a guy he's dying!
Dr.House: He's not dying, he's got a cold. And health insurance, soon enough.
Dr.House: You're a wuss. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me... Hey, Wilson! Guess what Foreman just did!
Dr.House: Is anybody here a doctor?
Dr.House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy Warner: You were the worst two dollars I've ever spent.
Dr.House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr.Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
Dr.House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr.Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr.Wilson: Well, what do you care?
Dr.House: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr.House: You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson: You would have lied.
Dr.House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr.Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr.Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr.House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr.Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr.House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
[gets in car]
Dr.Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr.House: What do you mean? You just said -
Dr.Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.
Female intern: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You're reading a comic book.
Dr.House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[she covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr.House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Dr.Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr.House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr.Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.
I got the quotes at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412142/quo
This one is not on the site
Female intern:Doctor why are you wearing that baird pin?
Dr.House: Because it sets off my eyes.